


Holiday Moments

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: F/M, Holidays
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-12
Updated: 2010-02-12
Packaged: 2019-05-30 21:50:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 7,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15105551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: A/N: This is a series of conversations aroundthe holidays for our favorite couple...therewill be more to come! I was bored at work andthought it might be fun to write a fewconversations they may be having during theirfirst Christmas in the new home...I hope youenjoy it.I do not own thesecharacters.  Just borrowed them for theHolidays.  This is all written in dialogue.





	1. Holiday Moments:  Christmas Lights

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

“This is a bad idea.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. A bad, bad idea.”

“What happened to ‘Donna-I’m-impervious -Moss’?”

“She’s still here, Josh. She’s down here; safe and sound and on the ground…looking at your crazy ass on a ladder going to the roof!”

“Donna…”

“Josh…”

“It would help if you held the ladder steady.”

“It would also help if you, you know, had unbreakable bones.”

“Hey!”

“Josh…”

“Look, if you’re not going to help, then you should just go back inside.”

“Who would hold your ladder?”

“Okay, after I’m on the roof, you should just go back inside.”

“Who’s going to call the ambulance when you fall off the roof?”

“Donna!”

“I’m just saying…you’re not the most graceful of men…”

“Yeah, but I am a man of my word.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, and when I asked you to move in with me and buy a house with me, you gave me some conditions. Do you remember them?”

Pause.

“Donna, do you remember them?”

“Some of them.”

“Some of them?”

“What, like you remember them all?”

“Yes, I do.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Yes, I…you know what, it doesn’t matter. If you don’t remember them, who cares if I remember them.”

“I remember them.”

“Okay, then tell me why it is that I’m up on this ladder.”

“Because you’re an amazing boyfriend.”

“I am, but that’s not why I’m up here. Why am I up here?”

“Because…”

“Because of one of the conditions.”

“Yes.”

“And what was that condition?”

“That if we bought a house together, you agreed to put up Christmas lights every year.”

“That’s right.”

“What’s your point?”

“My point is…my point is that this ‘bad idea’ was actually your idea.”

“I see.”

“So are you relinquishing that condition and allowing me back down the ladder?”

“No.”

“No?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because you love me.”

“Ah…I see what’s happening now.”

“Josh…”

“No, you think I don’t know what you’re doing when you talk in that voice and kick your head to one side. You think I don’t know what’s coming next?”

“You’re so great to me Josh. Really. I’m so very lucky to be living with such an amazing man…”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold the ladder steady would ya?”

“I love you.”

“See…that’s all I really needed to hear.”

“Really?”

“Well that…and you will call the ambulance if I fall right?”

“This is a bad idea.”


	2. Holiday Moments: The To Do List

“Knock, knock.”

“Come in.”

“Hello there stranger.”

“Donna, what are you doing here?”

“Soliciting votes.”

“What?”

“I’m here for lunch Josh. I had Liz put it on your schedule. We’re having lunch together today.”

“Oh, okay.”

“You forgot.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Yes you did. But that’s okay. That’s why I go through Liz.”

“So, what did you bring me for lunch?”

“Oh no, hot shot, we’re going out to lunch.”

“Out to lunch?”

“Yes, out to lunch.”

“I don’t even know what that means.”

“Yes, yes you do and we’re doing it.”

“I’m not trying to be a pain here, but I really can’t leave. I have a one o’clock meeting.”

“I am your one o’clock meeting.”

“Why are you my one o’clock meeting?”

“Because I called, just like everyone else and asked for a meeting with the White House Chief of Staff….just like everyone else. Now, get your coat and let’s get on with this meeting.”

“What’s this meeting about anyway?”

“The Holidays.”

“Oh for the love of…”

“Josh!”

“The Holidays? You do remember what I do for a living, right?”

“Yes, you’re very powerful.”

“Oh here we go.”

“We need to get organized. We have a list of things we need to do. I am more than willing to take responsibility for most of it, but I need your input and…”

“It can’t be enough that I was on the roof for the better part of Sunday afternoon putting up Christmas lights? Can’t that be my input? Can’t I turn over all of the other decisions to your very capable hands?”

“My hands are very capable…”

“Yes, they are.”

“Very capable of wringing your neck.”

“Hey!”

“You do realize you’re wasting time by whining about this.”

“Donna…”

“Josh, I was in this office when your boss, the President of the United States, told you to take it easy and enjoy the holidays. I was here when he told you that he didn’t want you working around the clock and that he wanted you to take part in the holiday cheer.”

“And you think that by holiday cheer he meant being abducted by my girlfriend and forced to run Christmas errands?”

“There are no errands involved in this meeting…and I don’t know what he meant, but there’s his office. We can pop in and ask him…”

“Fine. Lunch and the ‘to do’ list. Let’s go.”

“I just need two hours of your time to sort it all out…”

“Two hours?!?”

“To sort it all out and then I’ll take over the rest of the responsibilities.”

“What could possibly be left after two hours?”

“Well certainly not your Christmas gift if you keep it up with the attitude.”

“Can we please go?”

“That’s the spirit.”

* * * * * *

“Real or fake?”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Real or fake Josh.”

“What are we talking about?”

“The Christmas tree.”

“Ah, yes.”

“Real or fake?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know or you don’t care?”

“Whichever one keeps me out of trouble.”

“Nice.”

“You do remember that I’m Jewish, right?”

“Yes.”

“And that, being Jewish and all, I have never actually had a ‘Christmas tree’?”

“Yes, I know that.”

“Okay.”

“So this will be your first.”

“Donna…”

“Josh, please.”

“Okay. Break it down for me.”

“Break it down?”

“The merits of real versus fake. Break it down for me.”

“Happy to.”

* * * * * *

“So, real it is.”

“Yes.”

“Good decision Josh.”

“I was pretty much pushed into it…”

“Pushed?”

“Pushed. I liked the merits of the fake one.”

“Josh.”

“Forget it. We’ll have a real tree. Decision made. What’s next?”

“Christmas cards.”

“Negative.”

“What?”

“I’m voting against them.”

“Against them?”

“Yeah, I have never sent out Christmas cards.”

“How about Hannukah cards?”

“Nope.”

“Happy Holiday cards?”

“Noooo…”

“Really? You have never sent out a holiday card of any kind?”

“Nope. Not on my own anyway. I was a part of my parents’ cards for a while. I send out some from my office. But I have never sent out cards of my own.”

“Oh.”

“Oh what?”

“I do. I mean I have sent out cards.”

“I know that. I have been on the receiving end of many of those cards.”

“Do you want to send out cards with me?”

“I am not answering that question.”

“Why not?”

“I know better. I’ve seen this happen before. It’s a dangerous conversation for normal men, much less me. I’m not getting into it.”

“Josh.”

“No. Women make this out to be a relationship defining moment. ‘Do you want to send out cards together?’ And the answer to the guy is either a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’. But the answer to the woman is ‘he loves me and sees a future with me’ or ‘he doesn’t’.”

“Josh.”

“And I think that there are many other ways for me to show my love for you and that I see a future with you than the cards. We just moved in together. We bought a house together. Don’t those things count for…”

“Josh.”

“Donna. I’m serious. If you would like me to sign my name to your cards, I will. But we are not going to have this crazy conversation.”

“Are you done?”

“I think so.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah, okay. I’ll have you sign some of the cards I’m sending out to some of our friends and my parents. Otherwise, I’ll send out my own.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“And what does that say to you about our ‘relationship’ ?”

“Well, I don’t know what it says about our ‘relationship’ , but it does say that you are quite able to have crazy conversations completely on your own.”

* * * * * *

“How do you feel about a party?”

“What do you mean?”

“People gathered together…most often in celebration…generall y some food and drinks…maybe dancing…”

“Yes I know what a party is. Were we invited to one?”

“No, I want to have one.”

“At the house?”

“No, Josh at the…”

“Come on.”

“Yes, I would like to have a party at the house. We could invite some friends over; Sam and Lauren, Lou, Annabeth...maybe Andy and Toby. We’ve been in the house for a few months and we haven’t had anyone over at all.”

“Yeah, I know, but I thought we could do that in the summer time; when it’s warm and we can be outside and maybe grill something.”

“We can do it again then too.”

“Okay.”

“Okay we can have the party?”

“Yes, but we have to work it around all the nonsense at the White House.”

“I will check the schedules before I pick a date.”

“Great.”

“Josh, the nonsense at the White House?”

“Oh, you know…the tree lighting, the music, the Christmas party…the nonsense.”

“About that nonsense…”

“Yeah?”

“How do you feel about dressing up as Santa?”

“I’m sorry did I just hear you right?”

“The staff wants to know if you’ll dress up as Santa for the staff holiday party.”

“The staff wants to know?”

“Yes.”

“Then why the hell are you the one asking me?”

“Well, they decided it would be best if I asked.”

“Why is that exactly?”

“Well, aside from the President, I’m about the only one in the building that you cannot fire.”

“I see.”

“Yes.”

“Now, didn’t we have a discussion where we promised to never allow our staffs to use our personal relationship…”

“We did have that conversation, yes.”

“Okay, so why…”

“Because it’s Santa, Josh. They need a Santa. If they would have come to me and asked me to see you about more time off on the weekends, I would have sent them packing…but Santa! I had to speak up for Santa!”

“You had to speak up for Santa?”

“Tis the season!”

“I’m Jewish!”

“So! Santa Claus is not actually a Christian tradition…he’s…”

“Listen, Donna. I think I have done a very decent job of getting in the holiday spirit. I do. And to be honest, I actually enjoy most of it, but I honestly can’t imagine that I will want to be dressing up for Santa for our own kids much less….”

“Excuse me, ‘our own kids’?”

“Much less the staff at the White House.”

“Did you just say ‘our own kids’?”

“No.”

“Josh.”

“Yes.”

“Oh my God.”

“Okay, look…I was…”

“You see us having kids?”

“Donna, we don’t have time for this discussion right now. We need to head back…”

“Seriously Josh, you said ‘our own kids’ and you didn’t pass out or hyperventilate or anything.”

“Donna.”

“Josh…”

“Okay, how about this. If I agree to dress up as Santa for the party…can we leave right now and avoid this conversation.”

“You mean avoid this conversation right now or avoid this conversation forever?”

“I would go for right now.”

“And you’ll be Santa?”

“Yes.”

“You’ll be a jolly Santa?”

“Yes. I will be a jolly Santa.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

“Wow.”

“Donna, you promised.”

“No, I was just thinking about your cute butt in that red suit.”

“You are very strange, you know that?”

“Tis the season, Josh.”

"Apparently. "


	3. Holiday Moments Three: Cookies

“Josh?”

“I’m in the kitchen!”

“It smells in here!”

“Hello to you too.”

“Seriously, it smells in here…what are you doing? Are you grilling in the kitchen?”

“I’m cooking.”

“Cooking what? Smoking chips?”

“Hey!”

“I’m just saying…”

“I’m baking cookies.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Cookies. You’ve heard of them, small, generally sweet, beloved treat of young children…and I think Santa Claus.”

“Josh, cookies?”

“Yes.”

“Let me see.”

“No, they’re not done yet.”

“What do you mean they are not done yet? How long have they been in the oven?”

“I can bake.”

“Oh yeah? Can you see me through the cloud of smoke wafting out of the kitchen?”

“You know, sometimes,”

“Yeah?”

“Sometimes you are really very mean to me…You wanted me to get into the holiday spirit. I have put up Christmas lights, we are going to go out and get a real tree, I have agreed to willingly participate in the White House Christmas party as Santa I might add, I have invited everyone over to our home for this party that you insist on having…and now, I’m trying out the cookie baking….and you come in here with your sass, making fun…Donna, do you think that maybe, just this once, you could cut me a break? It’s the holiday season for crying out loud!”

“You’re right.”

“Huh?”

“You’re right. I’m sorry. You have been really great…and I am thankful for all of the help you’ve given me…I should be more appreciative.”

“You should.”

“I should.”

“Yes.”

“And I will be.”

“Starting when?”

“Starting now. Why don’t you tell me what kind of cookies you’re making.”

“There are kinds?”

“Okay look Betty Crocker…”

“Betty Crocker? What the hell kind of appreciative is this?”

“You don’t know that there are KINDS of cookies? It’s the ‘let’s keep us out of the emergency room’ kind of appreciative.”

“Donna, wha…where are you going?”

“To the kitchen.”

“Wait…wait!”

“I need to make sure that…”

“Don’t!”

“Josh…”

“Yeah?”

“There are actually cookies in here.”

“Yes.”

“No, I mean…there are actually COOKIES in here.”

“I said I was…”

“You bake?”

“Well, I…”

“Seriously. You BAKE?”

“I told you I could.”

“I know, but I just thought it was one of those ‘Josh things’, you know, like when you told me you could pack all of the china and it would survive the move.”

“Hey! You said you wouldn’t use that against me again.”

“I’m not using it against you. I am simply using it as an example.”

“An example of what?”

“An example of a time you said you could do something…and you not being able to actually do it…which is the opposite of this situation….apparentl y.”

“You’re shocked.”

“Yes.”

“Ye of little faith.”

“Oh stop it.”

“Do you want to try one? There are a couple of different KINDS.”

“What KINDS are there Duncan Hines?”

“I’ll let that one pass…”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“Well, it’s the holiday season…”

“And…”

“And I can see down your shirt from here.”

“Watch it!”

“I have Peanut Butter, chocolate chip, Snickerdoodles…”

“Oh! Snickerdoodles!”

“Whoa! Slow down! Here you go…”

“Mmmmm…”

“I know.”

“Oh my God!”

“I know.”

“Seriously…mmmm… these are so good.”

“You’re turning me on right now.”

“You were right Josh…you can, in fact, bake.”

“I told you I could.”

“You were right.”

“Oh ye of little faith…”

“Okay…I have one question.”

“Shoot.”

“If you can actually bake…”

“We have established that I can.”

“If you can actually bake…then why is there smoke in the kitchen?”

“Well…funny story.”

“Yeah?”

“It turns out…”

“Yeah?”

“I may be able to bake, but I cannot, in fact, operate a self cleaning oven.”

“Ah.”


	4. Holiday Moments Four: The Spirit of Service

“So…”

“So?”

“Yeah, so….”

“So what Josh?”

“So are you going to tell me where we’re going?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“It’s a surprise.”

“Donna…”

“Oh good honk!”

“Good honk? Did you just say good honk?”

“Yes.”

“Good honk?”

“Yes.”

“Oh…okay.”

Pause.

“Donna, where are we going? I don’t think I have ever been in this part of DC.”

“Would you just relax?”

“While you’re driving? I don’t think so.”

“Ha ha.”

“I’m just saying….seriously… where are we going?”

“It’s a surprise!”

“No need to yell.”

“I’m sorry. I just…well…it’s a surprise and I want you to be surprised…and you keep pestering me. Just sit still and be quiet and we’ll be there soon.”

“Are we going to eat when we get there? Cause I am starving.”

“Josh.”

“Come on, it’s my first night off in a long time…my lovely girlfriend promised me an intriguing night out…I’ve waited all week long…”

“Lovely?”

“You are lovely.”

“Yeah.”

“You are.”

“Thanks.”

“How about a hint?”

“If I give you a hint…”

“I’ll sit still and be quiet…please?”

“And you don’t think I know what you’re doing right there? With that soft little voice and those puppy dog eyes? You think I haven’t figured you out?”

“No, I think you have…but I don’t care.”

“I see.”

“Please Donna…”

“Okay…the surprise was a direct result of a phone call with your mother.”

“We’re going to Florida?”

“Josh…”

“Seriously. We’re going to Florida…or getting my haircut?”

“Sit still. Be quiet.”

“This surprise sucks.”

“Hey!”

“I’m sorry…”

“You should be. You don’t even know what it is. I am trying to do something nice and you are being an…”

“I said I was sorry…and I am…sorry. I don’t know if it sucks yet. But I swear to God Donna, if I’m getting a haircut tonight, I’m going to abandon my newfound holiday spirit.”

“You’re not getting your haircut.”

“No?”

“Nope. And we’re here.”

“Were where? I don’t see anything that remotely looks like a restaurant.”

“Right there.”

“Um…Donna…I know you’re spunky and all…”

“Spunky? What happened to lovely?”

“That too…but…your surprise for me is dinner at a….soup kitchen?”

“Not exactly.”

“Okay…what exactly?”

“We’re not eating there.”

“But we’re doing something there?”

“We’re going to serve dinner there.”

“We are.”

“Yes.”

“Donna…”

“Hold on. Now, I know I have been basically beating you over the head with my arm loads of Christmas traditions; the lights, the cards, the tree…and we haven’t done anything from your set of traditions…so the other night I called your mother and asked her for some suggestions…”

“You called my mom…”

“Yeah. And she told me that when you and your sister were younger, she and your father worked very hard to instill in you a sense of service…and therefore during the ‘Christmas Break’ at school, when all of the other children were celebrating, they would take you and Joanie down to the local soup kitchen and you would all serve dinner to those less fortunate…as a family.”

“Wow…Donna…”

“So, I thought we would do that. I thought we would do that tonight.”

“Why this tradition? Why not a different one? Why not a new tradition that would involve you sitting around our house in your underpants?”

“Joshua Lyman.”

“Okay, you really were talking to my mother weren’t you?”

“There will be different traditions, there will even be new traditions…”

“Involving you sitting around…”

“Maybe. But this tradition is about service and honor, both of which I know your family worked very hard to encourage in you.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes. We are going to go in there…and we are going to honor your traditions, your father, your mother and your sister…all at the same time.”

“Wow…I….I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything.”

“I don’t know what that’s like…”

“Okay.”

“Donna?”

“Yes?”

“Thank you for doing this…for picking this one…”

“You’re welcome.”

“I mean it…I know I give you a hard time, but this really was one of our favorite holiday traditions…as a family I mean.”

“I know…are you ready to go?”

“Just one second.”

“Okay.”

Pause.

“Donna?”

“Yes Josh?”

“I love you.”

“This I know…”

“Just so you know.”


	5. Holiday Moments Five: The First Night

“Josh!”

“Donna?”

“Shut it down, it’s time to go!”

“It’s barely five.”

“It’s time to go, Josh.”

“Donna…”

“Come on, it’s the first night of Hanukkah and we have to get home to light the candle…”

“Okay…what the hell…”

“Josh! What the ‘hell’?”

“Have you been talking to my mother lately?”

“Why do you ask?”

“Well, for starters you know that it’s the first night of Hanukkah.”

“I can read a calendar, Josh.”

“Yes, I know. But now you want me to bail on my job…”

“Bail?”

“Yes, bail on my job to go home to light the candles.”

“And?”

“And I ask again, have you been talking to my mother lately?”

“No.”

“No?”

“I haven’t, Josh.”

“Then who…”

“Toby.”

“Toby.”

“Come on Josh, you’re Jewish.”

“Thank you Rabbi Moss…”

“Are you mocking me?”

“Donna.”

“Seriously? I’m trying to incorporate Jewish traditions into our household and…”

“I get that, but you’re not Jewish.”

“No, but…”

“And as you so eloquently pointed out, I am.”

“Exactly and...”

“No, not ‘exactly and’. I’m the Jewish one here and I say we do not need to hurry home to light the candles.”

“Josh…”

“No, Donna. Listen, Hanukkah is not even a High Holy Day. Rosh Hashanah is a much bigger deal. If you want to celebrate a holiday, celebrate that one.”

“You want to celebrate Rosh Hashanah?”

“What I want is to not be forced from my office right now in order to light candles for a holiday that I haven’t celebrated for almost 20 years!”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, if you keep up with that attitude, you’re going to be a mighty busy man during Rosh Hashanah.”

“Why is that exactly?”

“All of the apologizing you’re going to have to do.”

“All of the apologizing?”

“Yeah, during Rosh Hashanah, you are supposed to apologize…”

“I know what you are supposed to do.”

“Well, you’ll be busy.”

“Toby tell you that too?”

“Your mother.”

“I see.”

Pause.

“Listen, Donna, you have known me for a very long time. Have you ever known me to hurry home on the first night of Hanukkah? Or any night of Hanukkah for that matter?”

“No.”

“Okay, so what makes you think I would start now?”

“Well…”

“The answer would be nothing…so why is it that you are trying to…”

“I don’t know. I thought that maybe you might want to reconnect with it.”

“Well, I don’t. Not at this point in my life.”

“Okay.”

“Don’t be mad about this.”

“I’m not mad about this.”

“You’re ‘something’ about this.”

“I’m…I don’t know….this is our first holiday together.”

“No it isn’t, not by many, many years.”

“I meant our first holiday living together…and I just thought we should start out on the right foot with the way we handled the holidays so that eventually when we have...”

“When we have…”

“Nothing.”

“Donna…”

“Nothing. You’re right. You don’t celebrate Hanukkah. We don’t need to rush home to light the candles. I’m going to go back to my office now.”

“Stop right there.”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard what I said.”

“I don’t know who you think you…”

“Oh cut the crap. What were you just saying?”

“That I’m going back to my office?”

“No, before that.”

“That you’re right….as you always are.”

“Nice try.”

“Josh, let’s just forget it.”

“You see, the problem with that is, when you say ‘let’s forget it’, I take that to mean I can actually forget it, but you don’t. You remember it and bring it up at another time...another time when I am caught off guard because I actually forgot it.”

“Huh?”

“And I hate being caught off guard, Donna.”

“Josh.”

“I think I know what you were about to say.”

“Oh you do? Have you been sidelining as a mind reader?”

“You said ‘when we have…’”

“Yeah?”

“When we have what Donna?”

“Josh.”

“When we have what?”

“I thought you were a mind reader…”

“When we have kids.”

Silence.

“Josh.”

“Donna.”

“That’s not what I was going to say.”

“Yes it was. Don’t lie.”

“I’m not…fine…that’s what I was going to say.”

“I knew it!”

“But I can see that the ‘when’ was a little presumptive and that I jumped ahead of you there and I take it back. I’m sorry. Don’t freak out.”

“I’m not going to freak out.”

“You’re not?”

“Of course not.”

“Even about the ‘when’ and not ‘if’?”

“Especially about the ‘when’ and not ‘if’.”

“Okay, I’m lost.”

“Surprise, surprise.”

“Hey!”

“I’m just giving myself something to do during Rosh Hashanah.”

“Josh.”

“Sorry, listen. The ‘when’ doesn’t freak me out, Donna. Of course there’s going to be a ‘when’.”

“Of course there is?”

“Yes, of course. We’ll have kids, and when we do, we’ll celebrate Hanukkah. It will happen…eventually. How could we not? We’re intelligent, caring, good looking people…”

“We are?”

“Well, you are anyway. We should have kids.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“I don’t know why you’re surprised. Everyone thinks that I’m so full of myself, I would think it would be a universal wrong to not continue my blood line.”

“Your mother tell you that?”

“Nah. Toby.”


	6. Holiday Moments Six: Snow Forts and Angels

“Josh…”

“Mmph.”

“Joshua…”

“Donna…”

“Wake up sugar pie.”

“I don’t want…sugar pie?”

“You like it?”

“What? No. Donna, what do you want?”

“Wake up…”

“It’s three in the morning.”

“I know.”

“Is the President on the phone?”

“No.”

“Donna.”

“Josh, I need you to wake up.”

“And what in God’s name do you need at three in the morning?”

“Wipe that smirk off your face. It’s not that.”

“Well, I can’t think of a better reason to be waking me at this hour. Can you?”

“It’s snowing outside.”

“That is not a better reason.”

“J-o-s-h…it’s snowing outside.”

“As it does every winter.”

“But it’s the first snow.”

“And?”

“Josh.”

“What? You’re from Wisconsin. You would think you would have seen snow before now.”

“But there’s something about the first snow, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, I think it’s called terrible drivers, crazy traffic, and freezing my ass off.”

“Josh!”

Sigh.

“Donna, did you wake me up at three in the morning just to tell me that it was snowing?”

“No.”

“No?”

“No.”

“Well, then what the hell?”

“I want to go play in it.”

“The snow?”

“Yeah.”

“Well have at it my friend.”

“I want you to come with me.”

“No you don’t.”

“Yes I do.”

“No, you think you want me to come with you. But you don’t.”

“I don’t?”

“Nope.”

“Why is that?”

“Because I’m old and grumpy and tired and I am absolutely no fun at three in the morning standing outside in the snow.”

“Come on! Didn’t you play in the snow as a child? Didn’t you run out into it and twirl around with your tongue out trying to catch flakes? Didn’t you build snow forts and make snow angels?”

“Nope.”

“Come on, Josh…”

“Donna, that image in your head right now…of that kid running in the snow…that kid is you. Not me. I never did those things.”

“Oh yeah? Well that image in your head right now…”

“Yeah?”

“Of that man sleeping on the couch…”

“Yeah.”

“That’s you.”

“Listen Frosty…”

“Frosty?!?”

“You know, as in ‘the snowman’.”

“I’ve heard of him.”

“If you want to go outside and ‘play in the snow,’ go for it. I, however, am going to stay here in my nice, warm bed and get some much needed sleep.”

“Fine.”

“Thank you.”

“You were right about one thing though.”

“Yeah? What’s that?”

“You are old and grumpy.”

Silence.

“I know what you’re trying to do Donna.”

“Yeah?”

“And it’s not going to work.”

“What’s not going to work Kreskin?”

“You think that by telling me I’m old and grumpy, I’m going to feel the need to prove you wrong, prove that I’m youthful. And in your head that equates to standing in the snow…and you know what Donna?”

“What?”

“I don’t feel the need to prove that I’m youthful, and if I did, I would be doing it right here in this bed…”

“Josh Lyman,”

“Or on the kitchen counter…”

“Stop it.”

“Or in the shower…”

“You’re trying to distract me.”

“Is it working?”

“Maybe.”

“Either way, you can poke fun at my age all you want…I am not going outside. I am not making snow angels or snowmen or snow forts. It is three o’clock in the morning and I am not going outside to stand in the DAMNED SNOW!”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

“I’m calling your mother.”

“Fine. But she’s not that happy at three in the morning standing in the snow either.”


	7. Holiday Moments Seven: White House Christmas Party/Santa

“Josh?”

“I’m in here!”

“Can I come in?”

“Sure.”

“What are you doing?”

“What do you mean? You’re the one who signed me up for this, remember.”

“I know, but I can’t believe you’re doing it.”

“Me neither.”

“It’s really very kind of you.”

“Well, I’m really very kind.”

“Yes, I know.”

“These pants…seriously… are way too big.”

“It’s for the stuffing.”

“The stuffing?”

“Yeah…for your ‘bowl full of jelly’.”

“My what?”

“From the book.”

“The book?”

“The Night Before Christmas.”

“Ah, that book.”

“You’re supposed to be fat.”

“Well you should have been letting me eat all of those fries all these years.”

“No, not ‘you’, Santa. Santa is supposed to be fat.”

“Ah.”

Pause.

“I don’t think this is a good idea, Donna. I am not really cut out to be Santa…

“Josh”

“I mean, maybe Sam would be better suited…”

“Oh come on! You know…Danny did it.”

“He did?”

“Yes…in front of the press even.”

“Well…I guess…I just…I feel a little ridiculous.”

“Well you look fabulous.”

“And there you go with the sass.”

“I’m not sassing. You look fabulous.”

“Donna.”

“So fabulous in fact…I think I’m a little turned on.”

“Get out.”

“Josh.”

“Seriously, get out. If you can’t keep from making fun…”

“I’m not making fun!”

“Donna…”

“Josh, I’m not making fun! I promise! I think you look kind of cute…”

“I don’t feel kind of cute.”

Pause. Kiss.

“You are cute.”

“You’re not so bad yourself.”

“Good to know….you should finish dressing, it’s about time to go out there.”

“Donna…”

“Yes?”

“I…I’m a little…gosh…”

“Gosh?”

“I….what if I don’t do it right?”

“What?”

“What if I don’t do it right?”

“Yeah, I heard you. What if you don’t do what right?”

“The Santa thing.”

“Josh, it’s really not that hard…”

“I mean what if I mess it up? These kids are excited to see Santa and what if I jack it up?”

“Josh, you sit there, they sit on your lap. They tell you want they want, you ask them if they’ve been good this year, tell them to mind their parents, smile for a photo, and give them a candy cane. There’s not a whole lot to mess up.”

“How little you know me.”

“You’ll be fine.”

“But these kids…”

“Oh come on! There aren’t that many kids out there anyway. It’s mostly going to be drunk White House staffers! Who cares if you mess it up for them?”

“Drunk White House…you mean Otto and Sam and Lou…”

“And Brahm and Annabeth and Ainsley…”

“Are going to be sitting on my lap?!?!?!”

“You know when you do that thing with your voice like that…”

“Yeah?”

“Very hot.”

“Donna!”

“Oh come on! It’s going to be fun! Now buck up little camper and…”

“Buck up little camper? What the hell does that mean?”

“It’s something my dad used to say when we were nervous about doing something, he would tell us to buck up and…”

“My God I love you.”

“Good to know, now let’s go.”

“I really have to do this?”

“Yes, and you will be happy that you did. You’ll be a big hit and the staff will feel closer to you and see you on a more human level!”

“I don’t want them to see me on a more human level! I want them to see me as superhuman!”

“Listen, right now I need you to do this. I need you to put on this hat, walk your superhuman ass out this door, and give the crowd a big ‘Ho, ho, ho’.”

“Fine.”

“You’ll be great Josh. And you know, if you do this for me…if you go out there and enjoy yourself….”

“Yeah?”

“Maybe later I will sit on your lap and show you what I want for Christmas.”

“Don’t you mean tell me what you want Christmas?”

“Not tonight I don’t.”

“Knock it off, there are going to be kids on my lap.”

“You ready?”

Nod.

“Ho, Ho, Ho!!!!”


	8. Holiday Moments Eight: Last Minute Shopping

“Donna?”

“Yes Josh?”

“Can we go yet?!?”

“What was my answer when you asked me ten seconds ago?”

“No.”

“Well, there you go.”

“D-o-n-n-a.”

“J-o-s-h.”

“When are we going to be done with the Christmas shopping?”

“When we are finished with this list.”

“We have been here for hours and we’re not finished with this list?”

“No.”

“What is left on the list?”

“Let’s see…one more thing for my father, something for Margaret, and….Sam.”

“No. Not Sam.”

“Josh, I have the list right here. Sam is still on it.”

“I thought we found Sam a present already.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, it’s perfect.”

“It was perfect.”

“Was? What? Did you put it back?”

“Yes, I…”

“Donna! That was a great gift for Sam!”

“Really? Really Josh? The Scooby Do shaped Chia Pet was a great gift for Sam?”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“No?”

“No.”

“I don’t think you understand how it works.”

“Oh I understand how it works.”

“But he could grow his own grass…”

“Sam does not want to grow his own grass.”

“But he could grow it….IN HIS OFFICE.”

“Sam does not want to grow grass IN HIS OFFICE.”

“I think you’re wrong.”

“And I think you must be talking about another Sam. Do you have a seven year old friend I don’t know about?”

Silence.

“Do you think my dad would like this sweater?”

“You know I don’t know…I have only met your dad twice, and I’m not too sure he even likes me all that much.”

“Of course my dad likes you Josh.”

“Of course?”

“Why would he not like you? You’re a successful, brilliant, caring man who is in love with his daughter.”

“I’m a successful, thank you for the brilliant, caring man who is living in all sorts of sin with his daughter.”

“All sorts of sin?”

“You know what I mean.”

“Rarely.”

Pause.

“He likes you Josh, he does.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes. And even if he didn’t, it wouldn’t matter.”

“Of course it matters.”

“Josh…”

“Donna, it matters. At some spot along the way it matters.”

“Okay…but I’m telling you…he likes you. He told me that he likes you.”

“He did?”

“Well, he told me that you look younger in person than on television.”

“I suppose that’s something.”

“It is.”

Pause.

“Josh…he likes you.”

“Okay.”

“Really okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

Pause.

“Seriously though, if we buy your dad this sweater, are we done with the list?”

“No, but we are one third of the way done with the list.”

“Sold. We’ll take it.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, he’ll love it.”

“He’ll love it?”

“Yeah, both times I met him, he was wearing a sweater.”

“Sweater it is.”

“Now who’s left on the list?”

“You don’t remember?”

“No.”

“Josh, there were only three people on the list. When we take my dad off, we have two left.”

“And they are….”

“Margaret and Sam.”

“Ah yes, Sam…”

“You know, I think Julie mentioned something about Sam needing a watch.”

“He does!”

“Wow, you got a little excited there didn’t you?”

“I just remembered that Sam does in fact need a watch and we are going to buy it for him. Then we will just have one left on the list….and that made me excited.”

“Good to know it.”

“So, the sweater for Mr. Moss…”

“Mr. Moss?”

“You know the one.”

“Yes I know the one. When did you start calling him Mr. Moss?”

“I have always called him Mr. Moss.”

“No, you haven’t. I distinctly remember a few wisecracks about cheese…”

“Okay, but that was before you and I started….well, you know….and it’s ALWAYS been Mr. Moss to his face.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“He hasn’t asked you not to yet?”

“No, he has. But, well, I don’t know…..I guess I just feel like it’s the respectful thing to do. I am living with his daughter…and well, I just think it’s more appropriate.”

“You are adorable.”

“Thank you.”

“I mean it. You are adorable.”

“Does that mean we can go now?”

“Nope.”

“D-o-n-n-a.”

“We have one more person on the list.”

“Who was that again?”

“Margaret.”

“Do you think she would like to grow grass in her office?”


	9. Holiday Moments Nine: Deck the Halls

“Josh.”

“Yeah?”

“Josh!”

“Yeah!”

“Will you hand me that ornament next to your foot?”

“Which one?”

“The one next to your…what are you doing?”

“What?”

“I said what are you doing?”

“I’m…nothing.”

“You’re…nothing?”

“Yeah.”

“Josh, we are supposed to be decorating the house for…”

“I know! I was just looking through this box of ornaments and I was wondering…”

“Yes?”

“Did you at some point enroll in an ugly ornament of the month club?”

“Hey!”

“I’m just saying…what in the hell is this?”

“Okay, that one’s a little sad.”

“A little sad? A pine cone with a Barbie doll head sticking out of the top! That’s down right frightening!”

“Be careful with it! You’re knocking off the glitter!”

“The glitter! Donna, where in the hell did you get this?”

“It was a gift.”

“From somebody who hated you?”

“No!”

“Then where…”

“Is this something you really want to know or are you just asking so that you can have more to hassle me about?”

“How you ended up with this ornament? I really want to know.”

“Okay…When I was in high school I was a teacher’s aide at the grade school down the street…”

“You were a teacher’s aide?”

“Yes. At that time I wanted to be a teacher.”

“A teacher?”

“Yes.”

 

“You would have been a hot teacher.”

“Josh.”

“I mean it. You would have been that teacher that all of the boys would…”

“Josh.”

“Sorry…go on.”

“Anyway, there was this little girl in the class who struggled through the whole year. She was new and wore glasses and the kids made fun of her. She really had a rough time…anyway, I was nice to her and helped her with her reading and would talk to her on the playground….and she ended up blossoming…anyway, for Christmas she wanted to give me a gift…”

“Ah, and SHE enrolled you in the ugly ornament of the month club?”

“She made that for me Josh! She was a sweet little girl and she didn’t have any money so she made the ornament as a gift for me!”

“Well I can’t really make fun of that can I?”

“You can’t.”

“It just wouldn’t be right.”

“It wouldn’t.”

Silence.

“That’s it? You’re going to leave it at that?”

“Yes.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Really?”

“Come on Donna, a little kid wanted to give you a Christmas gift and since she didn’t have any money, she made you an ornament…I can’t make fun of that. She was being sweet.”

“She was. She even tore the head off of her favorite Barbie doll.”

“Okay you have to stop telling me these things.”

“Why?”

“Because I have limits.”

“Limits?”

“To how long I can forgo the funny to be the nice guy.”

“And we’re getting close to the limits?”

“She tore the head off a Barbie doll, stuck it into a pinecone and put glitter all over it. Yeah, you can bet we’re getting close.”


	10. Holiday Moments Ten: New Traditions

“Ouch!”

“Be careful!”

“Donna!”

“Hold on!”

“Why is the chain lock latched?”

“Hold on!”

“Donna, I hurt myself here.”

“Are you bleeding?”

“No.”

“Still have all of your limbs?”

“Yes.”

“Then hold on!”

“Donna, why is the chain lock latched?”

“If you would just wait a few more seconds, I can show you why.”

“Okay, what are you doing in there?”

“Josh, I said…”

“Seriously, I don’t like surprises and this scenario…is starting to feel very much like a surprise.”

“Hold on!”

“Fine.”

Pause.

“Okay, I’m going to undo the lock, but you have to wait till I tell you to come in before you, you know, come in.”

“Donna…”

“Josh, I mean it. You have to wait.”

“I’m not good at waiting.”

“Yes, but you’ve waited out there this long…”

“Yes I have and by the way, the neighbors think I’m crazy and my agent is not all that pleased.”

“Josh. Wait till I tell you, okay?”

“Fine.”

“Promise.”

“I promise.”

“Okay.”

Pause.

“You can come in now.”

“Ouch!”

“You still have to unlock the deadbolt.”

“You couldn’t have done both?”

“I was kind of busy.”

“Doing wha…..”

“Welcome home.”

“Wha…Donna….you… .you….”

“Nicely put, Joshua. Could you please shut the door? I’m catching a draft here.”

“Yeah, sure.”

Pause.

“Donna, what are you doing?”

“Welcoming you home.”

“In your underwear.”

“Is that a problem?”

“No, no, no, no. No.”

“No?”

“No. I just….what….how… why is it that you’re welcoming me home in your underwear?”

“Well, it’s the holiday season.”

“Yeah?”

“And you wanted to start our own traditions….traditio ns that meant me lying around in my….”

“Underwear.”

“Yes.”

“Wow.”

“Yes.”

“No, I mean….Wow.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“I like this new tradition.”

“I imagined that you would.”

“This is going to be my favorite tradition by far.”

“Oh?”

“Well except for dressing up as Santa.”

“Yeah?”

“Unless we could incorporate the two?”

“Nice.”


	11. Holiday Moments Eleven: And the stockings were hung...

“Donna…”

“Mmph.”

“Donna…”

“Nooo…”

“Donatella Moss…”

“Joooosh….”

“Wake up…”

“Uh…what time is it?”

“Three in the morning.”

“What in the hell?”

“Hey! It’s Christmas…watch your mouth.”

“Josh…why in the world are you waking me up at three in the morning? Is everything okay?”

“Everything is fine.”

“Is the First Lady on the phone?”

“No.”

“The President?”

“No…and did you just put the President’s phone call in line AFTER the First Lady’s?”

“Josh!!!”

“No, neither of them are on the phone.”

“Then why?”

 

“Listen…. would you…can you just get out of bed for a minute?”

“What? Why would I do that?”

“Well…I can’t tell you…it’s a surprise.”

“Josh…”

“Come on Donna! I went with you down to the soup kitchen when it was surprise.”

“Whining all the way.”

“AND you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me that it was snowing!”

“Fine. I’m awake.”

“Come with me…”

“You mean I have to get out of bed?”

“Yeah.”

“I didn’t make you get out of bed.”

“Donna…I don’t ask you to do a lot….”

“Since when?”

“Donna….Please just come with me.”

“Fine. Josh…what…you look like you have a frog in your pocket.”

“A frog in my pocket? What does that mean?”

“You know, like a sneaky little boy who put a dirty little frog in his pocket to surprise his mother with….whoa.”

“Yeah…”

“Josh…the tree….you lit the tree up, and the lights over the mantle and…well…it looks…”

“Pretty neat, huh?”

“Yes, but…did you get me out of bed to look at the lights?”

“Not entirely. Look at the fireplace again.”

“The firepla…oh Josh.”

“Yes.”

“Stockings? You hung stockings?”

“Yes.”

“That’s so…”

“Yes it is.”

“Did you fill them?”

“I did.”

“Wow…you…that’s really so…”

“Yes it is. Why don’t you see what’s in yours?”

“Right now?”

“It’s why I woke you up.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“You know…when I was little, we had to wait until Christmas Day before we were allowed to open any of our Christmas gifts. We would hang our stockings out the night before and then we would wake my poor parents up so early in the morning……wait.”

“Here it comes…”

“We would wake my mother up so early so that we could tear through them…Josh…”

“I know.”

“You know?”

“You think you’re the only one who can make a phone call to learn about past traditions?”

“You called my mother?”

“Yes.”

“You called my mother.”

“Yes….and she said this was your most favorite part of Christmas.”

“So you….”

“Hung stockings…”

“And…”

“Filled them with goodies…”

“And woke me up early so that I could tear through it?”

“Yes.”

“You did all that?”

“Yes. And do you know why?”

“Because you love me?”

“Because I love you.”

“Oh Josh….”

“Do you know why else?”

“I know that I’m going to kiss the crap out of you in a few seconds.”

“Thanks for the warning….do you know why else?”

“No.”

“Because I’m Santa Claus.”


	12. Holiday Moments Twelve: The Morning After

“Whoa.”

“Yes.”

“Whoa.”

“Mmhmm.”

“What happened in here last night?”

“We had a Christmas party for our friends.”

“No I mean what HAPPENED in here last night?”

“You don’t remember?”

“I remember.”

“Josh.”

“Well….I remember the party….I do not, however, remember how all the tinsel ended up off the tree….and all over the living room…”

“Josh.”

“Well, I don’t.”

“Nice.”

“Donna, how did all of the tinsel end up off the tree and all over the…kitchen too?”

“You.”

“Me?”

“You. And Sam.”

“Sam and I took the tinsel…”

“Jesus Josh, it happened last night. You don’t remember you and Sam taking the tinsel off the tree?”

“Donna?”

“Yes?’

“Does it make you love me less that I don’t?”

“No…”

“Good.”

“But…”

“Ah man, there’s a but?”

“Well…yeah.”

“What’s the but?”

“It does not make me love you less, BUT it does make me want to monitor your drinking more closely.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. And it makes me want to monitor your time with Sam more closely.”

“Yeah, I can see why.”

“Good.”

“Donna?”

“Yes?”

“Do I want to know why Sam and I took the tinsel off of the tree?”

“I’m guessing no.”

“Okay then.”

“But I’m also guessing that you’ll eventually see the pictures.”

“The pictures?”

“Oh yes.”

“There were pictures?”

“Oh yes.”

“You’re laughing.”

“Yes, yes I am.”

“Why are you laughing?”

“No reason.”

“It has to do with the tinsel, doesn’t it?”

“Oh yes.”

“You wanna know what I think?”

“Not really.”

“Well, I’m going to tell you anyway.”

“I figured as much.”

“I don’t think you’re being very nice to me right now.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay. I’m okay with that.”

“You’re okay with not being very nice to me right now?”

“Yes. Yes I am”

“Okay.”

Pause.

“Donna?”

“Yes Josh?”

“Is that tinsel sticking out of the top of your pajama pants?”

“What? Oh…I guess it is.”

“You have tinsel in your pajama pants?”

“Apparently so.”

“Can I ask HOW you ended up with tinsel in your pajama pants?”

“Sure.”

“Well?”

“You again.”

“Me? I’m the reason there is tinsel in your pants?”

“Yes.”

“Well, good job me.”

“Well, you. And Sam.”

“You would think I would have seen that one coming.”

“You would think.”

“Anything else embarrassing happen last night?”

“With me? No.”

“How about with me?”

“One can never tell.”

“That makes me nervous.”

“It should.”

“Do I want to know what you’re talking about?”

“Probably not.”

“But I will probably see pictures of it.”

“Oh you can bet your sweet little dancing on the counter and singing into a candle stick ass.”

“Oh God.”

“That’s right.”

“Oh God.”

“Are you having flash backs Josh?”

“Oh God!”

“Or should I say Cher?”

“Donna…”

“’If I could turn back time…”

“Stop singing!”

“If I could find a way…”

“You know what?”

“I’m not being very nice right now?”

“Not in the very least.”

“I’m okay with that.”

“You are?”

“Look at our living room! Yes, I’m okay with that.”

“That’s it. I’m leaving. You can clean up the living room by yourself. I’m going to the kitchen…without you…”

“I’d take back all the words that hurt you…and you’d say….”

“Sam is never coming over here again.”

“I’m sure that Bono will be very sad to hear that.”

"And by Bono...you mean..."

"Sam." “Oh God.”

“That’s right.”

“Oh God.”

“And the beat goes on…”

“Nice.”


End file.
